3 Ways to Build Self-Confidence
Healthy Friendships are Key
Oct 02, 2025
From any angle, my childhood looks pretty tough. I lived in an unpredictable home that included an alcoholic parent and a variety of abuse. Additionally, we moved every two years. For me, life was a process of erasing my safety and stability (friends and school) and rebuilding it again and again from ages 6 - 18. Yes, it was hard. And I can honestly say I was so lucky. Through circumstance, I spent my childhood in a constant practice of building confidence through learning resilience.
I learned early that if I wanted to have any kind of safety or place for self-expression, I had to do the work. Essentially, I learned to enter a new school and practice acting in a way that was the opposite of what I felt (which was terrified, sad and miserable.) I managed those hard feelings by journaling daily, accepting my circumstances and then choosing to be courageous. I was kind and cheerful, noticed where I might want to fit in, and learned to be okay sitting alone at lunch. I became incredibly comfortable walking up to a group of strange kids and making myself at home, asking to join in, and not worrying about any reaction they might have. I learned that it was the trying that mattered. That I would be okay no matter what. That I would eventually make friends and have fun. That I could eventually be myself.
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Rob, me and Steve. My 2, life-long, confidence-builder friends!
It was a survival technique at first, that become habit and then became part of who I am. The more I had to practice, the better and faster I became at adjusting and fitting in. Now, it is the greatest gift I have as I navigate my world. Resilience through confidence. I breathe, move my body and journal daily as a way to self-manage my emotions and pay attention to my needs. I choose to do hard things. Try the unfamiliar. Embrace the things that feel smooth and uplifting. One of my favorite superpowers is being able to walk into a room filled with strangers knowing I’ll find my way and enjoy myself as I go. That’s a gift from the lucky-practice of my childhood.
As caregivers and educators, it’s natural to want to fix things for the kids instead of allowing them to figure things out for themselves. It’s much harder to watch kids struggle. And meaningful struggle is an essential practice for kids if they are to access their inner resources and enable youth to grow into resilient humans that have the confidence to meet challenges with a spirit of trying through creative problem solving and embracing failure as a teacher.
Things have improved so much since my childhood. Basically, my parents showed me the bus stop and then I was on my own. There wasn’t a single school I attended that had an adjustment counselor, or any adult for that matter, that checked in with me in any way. Truly, it was sink or swim. Now, schools and caregivers pay attention to the mental health needs of youth. We talk about it openly. There are designated professionals, like school adjustment counselors, whose job is to pay attention to youth mental health. There are endless websites and organizations with mental health information and resources about everything under the sun. It’s miraculous. Essential. And, none of that information matters if children are not encouraged to do the hard work of learning how to build self-confidence through resilience by practicing.
That practice requires tools for managing the discomfort that comes with challenge—like breathing, moving and journaling. It requires a focus on effort and not on outcome. It requires being in a space of learning from everything that happens in a day. It requires self-compassion, healthy friendships, and support from at least on caring, safe adult. Your job as an adult is to allow kids to try, fail or succeed, and learn. To celebrate the learning. To enable youth to create a practice for building confidence all of their lives.
I am often uncomfortable trying new things and I purposefully try new things all of the time. It’s my practice. I do it on purpose as my way to keep growing and exploring my inner resources. I know it can be hard. I also know I will be okay no matter how things turn out. It’s the trying that builds confidence. Not the outcome. And I love that.
I just returned from a long weekend away with my BFF Rob, friends since we were age 16, to visit my friend and “extra brother” Steve, who I have know since we were age 12. Steve just moved from Atlanta to Chicago and we went to help him settle in. These friends are two gems from a childhood of challenge. They continue to help me be courageous, confident and resilient every day. I help them do the same. As you will see below, healthy, supportive friends are an important way to keep confidence growing. That includes being a BFF to yourself.
3 Self-Confidence Builders
Set and achieve small goals – Each success, no matter how small, helps kids see what they’re capable of and steadily helps them create a practice of building confidence. Make it a habit as a family or classroom to choose one small, new thing a week to try. Celebrate the trying by noticing what is learned.
Build healthy friendships – Positive, supportive friends encourage kids to be themselves, boosting self-worth and a sense of belonging. Offer kids tools for understanding what a healthy friendship looks like and feels like and how they can be a healthy friend to others.
Practice tools to manage challenging feelings – Breathe, move and journal for a few minutes every day. Practicing these evidence-based strategies give kids tools to self-manage the challenging feelings that always arise when trying something new, learning new material, or entering an unfamiliar setting. (See our 70-day journals below for a fun and simple way kids can create this practice.)