Addressing Fairness With Kids
(Substack Newsletter, January 22, 2025)
There’s an elephant in my room. Likely in your classroom, too, or around your kitchen table. Here it is: Historically, the President of the United States is looked to as a positive example of leadership and justice across our country and around the globe. Yet our 47th U.S. President is also a convicted felon (on 34 counts). He is not serving jail time. He is serving in the highest governing position in the United States. Raise your hand if you see the challenge around justice here. Raise your other hand if you are trying to explain this to someone under the age of 18.
We can take this unprecedented moment in our history to choose to level-up our communication with kids and teens and talk about the realities of equality, justice and fairness. According to researchers, discussion is essential to foster moral development in children as well as enable them to boost their sensitivity to and empathy for those who experience injustice. How? It can be simple and not necessarily easy.
Researchers say that adults can begin by practicing patience and taking time to offer kids explanations and have transparent (age appropriate) conversation around fairness and injustice. Kids and teens need space to think through and process the realities of injustice with adults. At home, in school and in afterschool activities like sports or the arts. According to researcher Kendra Thomas, associate professor of psychology at Hope College in Michigan, allowing kids to practice having some control over injustices as well as adults in their lives buffering them from some injustices can help children develop a sense of power in an unjust world. They need adult guidance and participation to do this.
In her compelling parenting article, “Listen When Your Child Cries ‘Not Fair’,” Scientific American (January 2025), Thomas’s research finds that,
“Justice is central to morality, and grappling with unfairness is part of moral development. Disengaging or dismissing children’s early cries for justice fosters cynicism and complacency.”
Thomas also finds that when kids are treated unjustly, their capacity to stand up for others is diminished. (I highly recommend this 6 minute read.)
For adults, the crucial first step is making space and time for transparent conversations. Explain the ‘why’ of a rule, situation or consequence instead of shutting down an opportunity by stating, “Life isn’t fair,” or “Because I said so.” As you likely know, kids often need time for discussion and explanation when it’s least convenient for adults. So be it. Here’s what you can do to make space anyway:
BREATHE. Pause first. Interrupt your impulse to brush off or shut down whatever is happening. Direct your inhale and exhale through your nose (as best you can) for 3 to 5 rounds. Even one round will help. You can also invite kids/others to breathe with you; state out loud that you need to breathe before moving forward. This pause, with breath, is key to finding enough patience to productively manage whatever has come up.
RESPOND to these kinds of conversations as a priority. Pretend someone has announced they are bleeding and need a bandaid. Don’t dismiss the opportunity or a child’s concerns.
LISTEN. Hear the child (or children’s) side of the story without judgment. Yes, this also takes practice. Breathing can support your ability to listen and stay focused.
BE CURIOUS. Ask questions. Manage your urge to interrupt (with breathing). Ask what the child thinks. Allow kids to say whatever comes up for them even if it is hard to hear.
BE TRANSPARENT. Explain the why (in age appropriate language). Acknowledge the feelings a child is expressing. If you absolutely can’t have the conversation in the moment, acknowledge that. State that what the child is asking or stating is important to you. Schedule a time to return to it. Uphold your promise and have the conversation at that time.
VALIDATE FEELINGS. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Feelings are information about what is happening for you or your child in that moment. Acknowledge feelings by naming them or repeating what your child has named. Avoid judging feelings.
GUIDE a conclusion to the discussion. Whether it’s a time limit or emotional limit, let the child know it is time to move on. Ask what they think is the best solution given the information at hand. Can you let their solution stand? Can you find a compromise that honors some part of their solution? Can you agree to continue the conversation at another specific time if needed?
PRACTICE. You can set aside a specific time to practice discussing fairness when it is convenient—at the the dinner table, on the way home from soccer or during a lunch period at school. Bring up an example of unfairness (like sharing toys or what to do if someone is being left out of a game) and ask what a child thinks. Listen. Allow thoughts from others. Ask questions. Can everyone reach a conclusion? What’s the best solution?
Kendra Thomas sums up the importance of conversations around justice this way:
“When teachers are fair and policies are transparent, children’s lives become more fair. When parents provide explanations and natural consequences, they teach children to expect justice.”
Children are our nations greatest treasure and a highly vulnerable population. As adults, we have a responsibility to teach them everything we can about how to navigate what has always been a complex and often unjust world. It can be a good world, not a perfect one, when children are given space to practice thinking, listening to others, developing strength to stand up for justice, and can form a moral construct for making the best choices they can for all involved. It is up to all of us to make the practice of justice a priority for all our nation’s children. Especially when it’s hard.
Our 47th president has now pardoned or commuted the sentences of the nearly 1,600 defendants involved in the January 6, 2021 attack on the Capitol. Including those convicted of violent crimes. It is hard right now.
Choose to stay engaged. Choose to be kind. Please choose to help kids do the same. Elizabeth