Gratitude Refresh
Let’s be real. There can be times in life when gratitude is elusive. Times when it can feel impossible and even disingenuous to point out how lucky you are. That’s okay. In fact, it’s essential for your mental health that you don’t force a feeling that isn’t there—or suppress one that is. Even on Thanksgiving Day. That goes for kids and teens, too. In the article, Help! Why Can’t I Cry?, clinical health psychologist Brooke Palmer, PhD, an Assistant Professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School, says, ”When people rely on suppression as their primary emotional regulation tool, it’s usually associated with poorer mental health, including more anxiety and depression.”
One of the reasons it’s important to notice feelings vs. suppressing them has to do with making choices—ones that keep you moving toward long-term goals (like healthy relationships, learning a new skill, fulfilling unmet needs) instead of abandoning them for short-term comfort. “Emotions are designed by Nature to prompt immediate reaction,” writes Victoria Lemle Beckner, Ph.D., Associate Clinical Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of California at San Francisco. “If you don’t know how to stay with uncomfortable emotions…there is no opportunity to consider how you want to act in a situation. You won’t have that emotion-muscle to move toward meaningful goals in the face of difficult feelings.”
Another challenge is that your initial feeling (and the behavior the feeling encourages) is based on a snap interpretation which isn’t always reliable. For example, you walk into a meeting and everyone stops talking. Your initial reaction? They are talking about you. You did something wrong. You might lose your job. Your heart pounds. Panic rises. Your feeling tells you to run out of the room. If you obey that impulse, among other potential consequences, you won’t know that the group was talking about that new hit movie and didn’t want to spoil the ending if you hadn’t seen it.
The scientific truth is, we don’t have direct control over our feelings. If we did then we’d all be blissing through life in 24/7 euphoria. Dr. Lemle Beckner notes, “So when we try to reduce or avoid emotions, we get stuck on the hamster wheel of trying to control something we really can’t. The resistance takes up much of our attention and energy, while the core issues remain...what you resist persists.”
What we can control is how we manage feelings. Which leads me to my favorite way of explaining this process: Feelings are like the weather. If it’s raining, you don’t run outside and try to change the rain. You notice the rain. You adjust for the rain (get rain gear, leave early for school). The rain is information about how you can respond to the moment. So are feelings. And like the weather, feelings are always changing.
So what can you do if you have a habit of ignoring or changing your feelings? Start small. Create a simple practice for responding to whatever feeling arises using mindfulness tools. Research has shown that tools like breathing, moving and journaling are effective in helping youth and adults manage emotions and boost mental and physical health. The process just takes a little practice, a few minutes a day.
Step 1: Notice your feeling without judgment and without changing a thing. You can name the feeling if you like (I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel excited.) Let go of blame and judgment, stories about your feeling, and evaluations. Just notice and be CURIOUS. This is also the first step when you are helping kids and teens manage their feelings. Replace phrases like stop crying, get over it, calm down with phrases that model noticing: I notice your voice is loud and your body is moving around a lot—I’m curious about how you feel right now. Can you tell me? Notice your self-dialogue around feelings and what you say to others.
Step 2: Choose a mindfulness tool to help you manage what you notice. Managing means being present with your feeling without changing it. Try one of the 3 following evidence-based tools that are universally accessible and simple to use. (I have studied, practiced, and benefited from these 3 practices since I was 8 years-old):
Breathe on purpose, slowly in through your nose and slowly out through your nose or mouth. Just 3-5 breaths to begin. More if you can. Even one breath makes a difference. You can do this in real time and no one has to know. And you can let folks know, “I need to take a breath before I respond. You can breathe with me if you like.” (This is an effective practice to model for kids.)
Move your body (a brief walk without earbuds, a yoga or other movement class, a few stretches at your desk.) Any movement for any period of time is supportive.
Journal without editing yourself. That means writing or drawing whatever you notice, whether it seems to make sense or not, without pausing your pen, without judgment and without concern for grammar, spelling and sentence structure. Just write. On paper with a pen or pencil until you are complete.
Step 3: Be kind to yourself and your feeling. Engage in self-compassion. Allow kids to do the same. Be generous to yourself, say encouraging and loving things to yourself, meet your needs, ask for support, talk to a friend or other trusted human. Treat yourself as kindly as you would treat your best friend. Encourage youth to do the same.
To recap: 1. Notice and be curious. 2. Choose breathing, moving or journaling. 3. Be kind to yourself.
Mindfulness does not erase emotion. It helps soften emotion—reduce the intensity—so you are more equipped to respond to the moment instead of impulsively reacting to your feeling.
It is healthy to feel gratitude and to celebrate it with a ritual like the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. And that does not mean you have to manufacture a feeling that isn’t there or ignore one that is. Yes, even on a holiday. Feelings are information asking for your attention. Mindfulness tools help you create space for that attention. As Victor Frankl wrote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” I can feel grateful for that.
Here’s to a holiday that is exactly what you need,
Elizabeth